I've started to write a novel.


They say that every-one has a book in them and I think this might be the cause of my on-going weight issue.














WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

I hate shopping for food so have made it more bearable by analysing the contents of other people's shopping trollies. I like to look at the food they are buying and then decide if the owner matches up to my expectations.

When I get tired of this I look to see if there are any trollies I'd like to do a swap with - - there usually are but the owners hang on tight when they see me eyeing it up. Yesterday I was in a hurry and in no mood for games. I raced up and down the aisles - lobbing in stuff as if there was about to be an imminent food shortage.

I was actually rather proud of my pickings - no treats - just the necessities. Hoped some-one was taking note as I would have come out rather well. In fact the thoughts of appearing on some healthy eating programme, proudly showing off the lovely contents of my fridge rather distracted me and I forgot to pick up some milk. Had to leave my trolley to get it. When I got back my trolley was no-where to be seen. In it's place was one filled with all sorts of naughty things. I looked up and down the aisle and the ones either side. I had only been gone about 1 minute so whoever had taken it couldn't have got far - unless they were taking part in a trolley dash - in which case they would have been a bit disappointed with their winnings!

I did consider just swapping trollies and quickly making for the checkout with all this booty I was left with. The kids would have thought it was Christmas again. But just then a man appeared - very apologetic - he'd mistakenly taken mine. Quite how he could have done that I don't know - his was overflowing with cakes, coke and lovely looking ready meals - mine was fruit and veg, lean meat and not a treat in sight.

He seemed a bit perplexed by my reluctance to hand his shopping over - I'll have to be quicker next time.

I wasn't quite as bad as Philip but could ignore no more the fact that one of my eyes wasn't able to read as well as the other.

After a few weeks of self induced eye tests (you know, shutting one eye and seeing what you could see) I decided that I needed a visit to the professionals.

I am now the not so proud owner of a pair of "reading glasses". Doesn't the name alone add on 5 years to your age?

Yesterday I wore them at work for the first time. A sympathetic lot I work with - not! Certainly provided a bit of amusement amid the new year blues and I was pleased I could be of service!

Happy New Year ....

... bit late I know - and it isn't because I have only just surfaced from too much celebrating!

Actually the one thing I hate about a new year is the way you have to say "HNY" to every-one you see, for at least 2 weeks. It gets very tedious.

Don't want to start the new year on a rant but while I'm at it I also don't like new year resolutions. Think that this is due to the general lack of will power - I'm hopeless at sticking to anything so why should I be any different at new year.

Have been to the sales - not to look at clothes as frankly I can't stand rummaging through a load of tat in the hope of finding something decent. My favourite thing is to buy a stock of presents for the year to come.

Today I came across a cracker of a bargain - casino set thingy reduced from £49.50 to £9 . I was so excited I wanted to clear the shelves and buy the lot. Had to have a strict talk with myself and rationed my purchases to two, which was all I could feasibly carry at the time.

The problem with buying bargains like this is that it does look like it cost a lot more than the £9 it did. So you give it some-one you'd normally spend £10 on and they feel awkward as they only spent £10 on you OR you give it to some-one you would spend more on and you feel guilty as you know it didn't cost much.

I exchange presents with a friend and we never seem to co-ordinate in what we give each other. One year I buy her jolly socks and she gives me some gorgeous Moulton Brown body lotion. Next year I buy her a pashmina thing and she gets me a bottle of wine. This year it was wellie boot liners from me and White Company smellies from her.